Annual Darwin Awards:
They are finally out again. You all know about the
Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person
who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting
drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy
alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly,
this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and
fire burned his house down, killing both him and his
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He
was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He
was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white
saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was
also wearing a military gasmask that had the filter
canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one
end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his
rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
at low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with
their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She
had no details before arriving, except that someone had
reported that his father was not breathing. Upon
arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a
pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around
his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed
the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
hospital - police made a closer inspection of the couch,
and noticed that the man had made a hole between the
Upon flipping the couch over, they
discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the
cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical
sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious
reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on
a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself As
a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by
her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life,
the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found
dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump
off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police
said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a
police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of
the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch,
using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a
future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the
lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of
one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
His peers had never thought of the technician suspected
of causing the blast as 'bright'.
AND THE WINNER...
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome,
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer
at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer
and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to
straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped
the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in
Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer
was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him
forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled
between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke
a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the
pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was
rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the
idiot didn't die. But, because he cannot reproduce as a
result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have
Reaching the end of a job interview,
the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh
out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund
for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2
years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up
straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Walking up to a department store's
fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to
buy this material for a new dress. How much does it
cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk
with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take
ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written
all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the
cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old
geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will
pay the bill."
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast
room called over the head waiter one morning and read
from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that
it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough
and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a
bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from
the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot
of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated
order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be
quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It
can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you
brought me yesterday!"
"What time does the library open?"
the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of
calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a
question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do
you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I
want to get out."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His
mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging
pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said
Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious,"
soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy
like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why
didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their
conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a
cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything
with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
way - 'Take a clean dish."